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yuh huh - pretending to listen

January 2008

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blue - i won't admit to missing him

Hwetek

So I signed and turned in the bloody thing. Otherwise ironically I'd be accused of lying and we couldn't have that, could we? No, no one's lying in this fucking place.

Besides, it's not like I had a real choice in the matter. She would have taken my badge away if that happened and given it to someone more sympathetic to her policies, and that's the last thing we all need. It's vital that I stay Head Girl.

I'm almost beginning to wish I'd never reported him. Up until then I'd managed to fly under her radar, but now I've drawn attention to myself. So I have a feeling that things are going to get much harder from this point onwards.

And as for those newspaper articles, who do they think they're fooling? I don't accept for a minute what they said happened, particularly not after they hushed up what happened last summer. I don't know if it would make it easier for me or not if I knew the full story, but it kills me to have people lying about the circumstances of his death.

I miss him. I miss him so much. Every once in a while, like if I'm with Nick and having a good time, I think, "That's it. I'm finally over it." And then I realise that I'm not and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm betraying his memory if I stop thinking about him, even for an afternoon. I know he'd want us to be happy and move on, but I don't think he'd want us to forget about him. He wouldn't do that to one of us if the positions were reversed.

I just wish I knew what happened. He had so much potential, and not in the way everyone else said he would either. People who didn't know him talked about how handsome, how talented he was and what a good Seeker he had been, but for me my lasting memory of him was his humanity. He was just so good and he saw the good in everyone and he just loved people so much.

Why does it always happen to the wonderful people, the rare people on this earth who really make it a better place? Not that I think Harry should have died instead, but Rowena, why did anyone have to die?

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